Well, it's Good Friday and I've got a lot on my mind... First of all, at the beginning of our service this evening I was thinking of what it would've been like to attend the Last Supper - would I feel free to just soak up everything Christ said as He washed my feet and spoke about His coming betrayal? Or would I be weighed down by guilt as He served and loved on me? Or would I even refuse His service thinking it too lowly a task for Him? Would I even realize what He meant about the bread & wine? Or would it just confuse and worry me? All too often I think of these events - the Last Supper and Good Friday - with the Resurrection in mind, but what if I had no idea, no guarantee that Christ was coming back? I wonder if I would realize what He meant after He died so that I could trust His word and hope to see Him again. It's easy to thank Him for His death when you already know He came back. But I think I would be confused, angry, and deeply grieved if I wasn't sure of anything by His horrifying death.
The other main thing on my mind has to do with this evening's message. Our pastor gave a great message about how Christ had to die to free us from sin and death. It was heart felt and Spirit filled, but I was apparently distracted because though I knew He was present, I didn't feel His presence and Pastor Z's words were sadly just words. I hated that I was distracted and didn't experience the evening as I longed to... At the end of the service we each hammered a nail into a worn cross that Pastor Z had made years ago. Our nail was to represent something - a habit, a sin, a past event - that Christ died to free you from. It was a powerful illustration, but as I was distracted it felt like I was going through the motions as I hit my nail with the hammer. Sure, I thought of a few things that He has freed me from or that we are working together to overcome, but I didn't feel His presence in it. I know He was there and He was working, I just wish I felt something. And then, me dwelling on that, I know, was distracting me further... And yet, I feel free! I am not weighed with guilt at being distracted, though I began to be so before we sang "Mighty to Save" and I hammered that nail in! What an awesome realization: My freedom in Christ does not depend on my mental focus or my full emotional awareness of His presence!!
P. S. I just thought, that's probably how I would react to His death without the guarantee of His resurrection - I would be distracted, confused, and unfocused, though His words should comfort me and fill me with hope... And His resurrection would not depend on my awareness of His message! Praise Him!
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