hopeFULL Romantic

Wow it's been forever since I updated... Sorry about that, here's a little something I wrote a couple weeks ago.

hopeFULL Romantic

I've always said I was

A hopeless romantic,

That that's what a believer

And dreamer

Of romance & "forever love"

Was called.

But tonight,

As they spilled the beans

That the term "relationship"

gave them the chills,

I realized they live with

A fear of the day

When love loses its passion,

Its thrills.

Well, there's no room

For fear

In this romantic heart.

And that's why

I should've called myself

A hopeFULL romantic

From the start!

Happy Independence Day!!

I'm grateful to God
For the freedom found in this land!
But, more importantly
I am eternally grateful
For the freedom I have in His hand!!

I am Beautiful...

It sounds so dreadfully cheesy to say “Who is that girl in the mirror?” Especially because it’s basically a line from a song in Disney’s Mulan. But, that is SO what I thought when I saw my reflection tonight! Lately I’ve been seeing an elegantly beautiful woman in my own reflection. I don’t really know where it came from or when I began to see myself that way. And, in answer to the question of how I began to see myself as beautiful, all I can say is, “God.” He’s the only one who could ever have changed my mind.

The funny thing is that, after admitting to myself that, even though I’m tired and my hair is rather frazzled-looking as I’m writing this at 2:30am, I am beautiful, I immediately laughed and asked God who that beauty was for! LOL! What a thing to ask your creator! It’s so silly to me that even though I can attest to the truth of it, I find the idea of me admitting and declaring my beauty to be foreign and absurd. So much so that I think it has to be for some one else. But, right now there is no one else. I must believe this, trust this for myself. And yet I feel selfish and arrogant, almost presumptuous, in doing so… Oh, God, help me to accept the gift, the blessing of not only being your beautiful daughter, but of allowing myself to accept and declare my beauty.

You may agree with me that it is arrogant, and even presumptuous, to blatantly proclaim that I am beautiful. But let me offer a little something in defense. First of all, I know that by declaring this I will not become any less humble or compassionate, I will not be placing myself above anyone else. In fact, by allowing myself to see beauty all around me, including myself, I think God has shown me a little of what He sees. Also, is it not presumptuous of us to tell our Father, our very creator that there is something wrong with us, with His creation? We have to remember that God makes no mistakes. So, your big nose and small lips, and my pale features and big hips, are all part of His glorious design! And when we can look at ourselves and declare the beauty of His work, I believe, we are actually offering Him praise!

Am I Lukewarm?

A while back, after reading a section of Francis Chan's Crazy Love where he went in depth about what being lukewarm looks like, I wrote the following questions as food for thought. This is basically a simplified version of the section from Chan's book. He reminds us that these thoughts and questions should not be used as ammunition for judgement, but rather, as 2 Corinthians 13:5 says, to "examine yourselves to see if your faith is genuine. Test yourselves."

Today I have to ask myself, "Do I truly, deeply, wholeheartedly love God?"
Have I allowed Him to change my life? What about my way of living?
When I give, does it cost me anything? Or am I giving God my scraps, my leftovers, what I didn't want in the first place?
Am I afraid of what people think? Or do I focus on what God thinks of my heart and life?
Do I truly want to be saved from sin? Or just the consequence of sin? Do I believe a life free from worldly ambition is the life I want?
"The thief's purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life." - John 10:10 (words of Jesus)
"Well then, should we keep on sinning so that God can show us more and more of his wonderful grace? Of course not! Since we have died to sin, how can we continue to live in it?" - Rom. 6:1-2
Do I act radically for Jesus? Would He call me His disciple?
"But don't just listen to God's word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves" - James 1:22
"Remember, it is a sin to know what you ought to do and then not do it." - James 4:17
Do I share my faith? Do I show it in the way I live and communicate with those around me?
"Everyone who acknowledges me publicly here on earth, I will also acknowledge before my Father in heaven." - Matt. 10:32
Do I compare myself to other men/women? Or to Christ?
Have I allowed Christ to take over my life? Or have I only given Him a chunk of time in my week?
Do I love God with my whole heart, soul, and strength? Or do I believe that's impossible this side of heaven?
Do I love others well, or only when I get something back? Is my love conditional and selective? Or does it reflect the unconditional love of the Father?
Am I wrapped up in planning my life on earth? Or do I contemplate eternity in heaven?
"For I have told you often before, and I say it again with tears in my eyes, that there are many whose conduct shows they are really enemies of the cross of Christ. They are headed for destruction. Their god is their appetite, they brag about shameful things, and they think only about this life here on earth. But we are citizens of heaven, where the Lord Jesus Christ lives. And we are eagerly waiting for him to return as our Savior." - Phil. 3:18-20
Do I do just enough to get by? Do I steer clear of the "really big" sins so I don't feel guilty? Or am I always seeking ways to stay pure and get closer to the God who loves me?
Do I play it safe? Or do I make sacrifices and take risks for God?
"Don't be afraid of those who want to kill your body; they cannot touch your soul. Fear only God..." - Matt. 10:28a
Am I living the label "Christian" or the life of a Christian?
"Not everyone who calls out to me, 'Lord! Lord!' will enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Only those who actually do the will of my Father in heaven will enter." - Matt. 7:21
Do I only give the appearance of being washed by the blood? Or have I truly allowed Christ to cleanse me from the inside out?
"Outwardly you look like righteous people, but inwardly your hearts are filled with hypocrisy and lawlessness." - Matt. 23:28

Phoenix Log 2

I know it's been a long time... Sorry about that. I guess the holidays made everything busy. (Happy New Year btw!) And I started a new job (woohoo!), along with designing a collection. So, my down time has been pretty busy. Anyway, I am working on something new, but in the meantime I wanted to give an update and post something fun. I wrote this a long while ago and I've been back and forth with whether or not to share it. But, as it kind of pertains to a personal struggle I'm dealing with right now, I really feel like I should share, so here goes. This is another Phoenix Log, the only other one I've written. Maybe I should work on some more...

I don't think most people would guess my secrets. There are things about me that the people who see me everyday, at work, at church, may not understand. They'd say something like, "She's too young to be bitter. And, besides, her life hasn't been bad, it's quite good in fact." But not every bitter woman has been beaten, rejected, or abandoned. Sometimes a girl can see a path she likes, can admire someone, or something, so much that when she doesn't reach her lofty goals, in her time, on her terms, she breaks. She may turn to things or emotions or people to fill her, to comfort her (for me it's food or isolation). But this only fuels her bitterness because it does not help her reach the goal, she can never redeem herself. What can I do in this pit of deep despair, but cry out to God? I must seek Him desperately and cling to His word. I must turn on the lamp at my feet and learn that the joy of the Lord, truly, is my strength!

~PF

Also something I wrote awhile back, but it still pertains to my current struggles (I love how the Holy Spirit works!): All to often I get lost in a sea of time, only to remember God's vision is clearer than mine!